Sunday, May 2, 2010

at one point we need to say no.

Just 3 nights ago, I had the break down of a lifetime.

Not to whine and complain, and vent or whatever, but no one else will listen, not that any one's actually reading this...

Most people would think that I had my very own apocalypse in 7th grade, when my father died, suddenly. And don't, PLEASE, don't get me wrong, my dad was great, one of the best fathers ever, we were close, he was a stay-at-home dad, (which is very unusual in today's world...) and it was the saddest thing to ever happen to me, in my charmed, sheltered childhood. So why did I not completely change? Go insane? Get better? Why did nothing happen? I can't really tell you.. I was sad for a few months following the stroke and all, but I eventually stopped grieving and started enjoying life again. I continued growing up. I don't go a day where my dad doesn't cross my mind. And every now and then I cry. But I'm the same as I was before he died. Just taller, older and a little bit emotionally stronger. Nothing noticeable though.

The other night, my boyfriend forgot his phone with me when we were at a playground, we live 4 towns and 25 miles away, so him driving over again to pick it up wasn't happening. I soon discovered gruesome and heart breaking messages on my boyfriends phone. Things that I can't say to you, because its to hard to think about, talk about and let alone type out, again... It was 2 in the morning when i started reading them. Like any normal person would. I wasn't trying to invade his privacy or anything.. but he’s my boyfriend... i was simply curious. and come on... you would've done the same thing! Anyway, He had told 2 of his ex-girlfriends, a sophomore chick and a few other non important girls that he "loved and needed them." that I was "nothing to [him] but a way to waste his time" and many, MANY other things that broke my heart.

For the entire night i cried, i screamed. I left home and ran down the street to a lake. and stood there in complete darkness at 4 in the morning screaming i hate you into the water. I'm surprised i wasn't arrested.. or heard. I soon ran home, up the stairs and into my mothers bedroom. Were she hugged me and allowed me to slobber and snot and cry all over her. I stayed home from school the next day.. and when my boyfriend cam to pick up the phone he rang the doorbell, i walked down the stairs, trying hard to keep control, and to breathe deeply, i opened the front door threw the phone at him and glared. "Do i get a kiss?" he asked me with a sad smile.. i slammed the door, as hard as i could. and i watched him frown. and walk back to his moms car. she looked at him and seemed disappointed in him, like she knew what he'd said to them, like she knew how her son had broken a girls heart. She looked in my direction, but i turned quickly and ran upstairs.

I'm still talking to him. And we haven't quiet broken up. Nor do i know if we will. I love him. And he claims to love me. He’s admitted to having an attention seeking problem. He’s said he'd change for me. I'm just waiting for proof. I'll give him a week. And i promise. To myself. All of you. and my father. If he doesn't make this up, I'll dump his lying ass. Because I deserve better.

Just saying.


Kay said...

oh cripes, I'm so sorry to hear that :[

no one deserves to be acknowledged as a way to waste someone's time.

Stay strong, I know people can suck sometimes <3

*Carly* said...

They sure can.
And i know... but thank you. I'll get through it.