Friday, June 18, 2010

DEAREST,
I MISS YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS. I REMEMBER THE LAST DAY WE SPENT TOGETHER. IT WAS A SUNDAY. JUST A REGULAR DAY THOUGH. I WAS GROUNDED, FOR DOING THAT THING... YEAH. WE HAD NO SCHOOL ON TUESDAY, I WAS ASKING YOU IF I COULD SLEEP OVER JESSICA'S HOUSE MONDAY NIGHT. YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE OK WITH IT. BUT IT WAS UP TO MUM. 
 IT WAS A WEEK AFTER HALLOWEEN AND YOU LET ME SNEAK SOME CANDY FOR BREAKFAST. I LOVED HOW YOU DID THAT. YOU WERE JUST A BIG KID. YOU WATCHED SPONGEBOB AND ATE M&M's EVERYDAY.  YOU LAUGHED AT THE THINGS JOE WOULD SAY, EVEN WHEN IT WASN'T FUNNY, YOU KNEW IT MADE HIM PROUD OF HIMSELF.

WHEN YOU FINALLY CONVINCED MOM I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SLEEPOVER, I HUGGED YOU TIGHT. YOU WERE ALWAYS ON MY SIDE. I LEFT THE NEXT MORNING. YOU ALWAYS WAITED OUTSIDE FOR THE BUS WITH ME. WE TALKED ABOUT WHAT WE WERE DOING THAT WEEKEND OR WHAT WE DREAMT THE NIGHT BEFORE. WHEN WE SAW THE YELLOW LIGHTS OF THE BUS COMING DOWN THE HILL YOU KISSED ME ON THE FOREHEAD AND I TOLD YOU THAT YOU NEEDED TO SHAVE. YOU SAID GOODNIGHT AND THAT YOU'D PICK ME UP TOMORROW AT 12.  I REMEMBER THE WAY YOU WAVED WITH ONE HAND AND HELD YOUR 'GRUMPY' COFFEE MUG IN THE OTHER. I SMILED AND LOOKED AWAY.
THAT AFTERNOON I CALLED YOU FROM JESSICA'S HOUSE PHONE. JOE ANSWERED. I ASKED TO TALK TO YOU. WHEN YOU TOOK THE PHONE YOUR VOICE SOUNDED TIRED.
 I'M AT JESS' HOUSE.
OKAY, I JUST GOT DONE BLOWING LEAVES.
FUN. WELL, ME AND JESS ARE TAKING MILLY FOR A WALK. I JUST THOUGHT I'D TELL YOU I WAS SAFE.
ALRIGHT HONEY. HAVE A GOOD TIME. I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW, GOODNIGHT, I LOVE YOU.
OKAY, I LOVE YOU TOO. NIGHT.
I WOKE UP AT  3 IN THE MORNING. DONNA TOLD ME TO WAKE UP AND GET MY THINGS. I WAS CONFUSED AND ASKED HER WHY. SHE ANSWERED QUICKLY AND SAID,THOUGHTS RUSHED THROUGH MY HEAD. I KNEW SOMETHING WAS NOT AT ALL FINE.
YOU'RE MOM JUST HAS TO GET YOU. EVERYTHING IS FINE.

SHE WAS THERE WITHIN MINUTES. JOE GOT OUT OF THE CAR AND BANGED ON THE DOOR.
YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE USE THE EXPRESSION "YOU LOOK LIKE YOU SAW A GHOST" AND "PALE AS A SHEET". WELL, THAT'S REAL. I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH A LOOK BEFORE. I KNEW RIGHT THEN. I SCREAMED AT JOE, ASKING WHERE YOU WERE. HE SHOOK HI HEAD AND TOLD ME TO SHUT UP AND GET IN THE CAR. THEN I LOST CONTROL. I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING AFTER THAT. JUST ASKING WHERE YOU WERE AND A LOT OF CRYING. MOM KEPT SAYING SOMETHING LIKE, HES OKAY, JUST ASTHMA OR SOMETHING. I REALLY SHOULD HAVE BELIEVED HER. BUT FOR SOME STRANGE REASON I KNEW YOU WERE DEAD.  THE NEXT THING I KNEW THE SUN WAS UP AND I WAS IN A HOSPITAL  WAITING ROOM. MY MOM WENT INTO A ROOM WITH A DOCTOR. SHE WAS GONE FOR A LONG TIME. WHAT SEEMED HOURS LATER SHE CAME INTO THE ROOM WHERE I SAT HOLDING MY KNEES TOGETHER. MY MOM LOOKED AT ME AND CRIED. A HYSTERICAL CRY. I'VE NEVER SEEN HER LIKE THAT, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE LIKE THAT. THE WHOLE WEEK YOU WERE IN A COMA, I PRAYED EVEY SECOND. I CRIED. AND I PRAYED. BUT GOD DIDN'T ANSWER MY PRAYERS THAT TIME. YOU LEFT THAT SATURDAY. FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS AFTER THAT TRAGIC NIGHT, I WOULD HEAR MOM SOBBING IN HER ROOM. EVERYDAY. TH ATS WHAT KILLED ME THE MOST. AND THAT PROBABLY CHANGED ME MORE THAN LOSING YOU. MY MOM WAS DEAD INSIDE. AND MY DAD WAS DEAD IN REALITY. I FELT SO ALONE. I DIDN'T SHOW ANY EMOTION FOR IT THOUGH. ONLY AT NIGHT IN BED. WHERE I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP IN SILENCE. BUT I REFUSED TO CRY AT THE FUNERAL OR IN FRONT OF ANYONE. AS A 13 YEAR OLD GIRL I WAS SLOWLY TEARING MY OWN INSIDES APART. 

I'M BETTER NOW. I DON'T CRY SO OFTEN AND I CAN NOW THINK OF YOU AND SMILE. BUT THE THING THAT WILL STICK WITH ME FOREVER IS WHENEVER SOMEONE SAYS YOUR NAME, I THINK OF THE I.C.U. AND THE WAY THEY PUT THAT TUBE DOWN YOUR THROAT, HOW YOUR FACE WAS PALE AND EVERYTHING THAT LOOKED LIKE YOU WAS GONE. YOUR ROSEY CHEEKS WERE THIN AND WHITE. I HOPE SOMEDAY, I'LL BE ABLE TO FORGET THOSE SCARING HOURS I SPENT WITH YOU AND YOUR DEAD BODY. THE BODY I KEPT PINCHING AND WHISPERING WAKE UP, TO. THE BODY THAT USED TO CONTAIN DADDY. BUT NOW THAT I'VE COME TO PEACE WITHIN MYSELF I'M GLAD I COULD  LET THIS OUT. ITS BEEN INSIDE FOR NEARLY A YEAR AND A HALF. I MISS YOU DADDY. AND I LOVE YOU.

4 comments:

AlexaRawr said...

I'm so sorry Carly. This made me cry... Stay strong. He's watching over you in a happy place.<3(:

*Carly* said...

thank you alexa<3

Kay said...

I'm so sorry...

I know it's tough; my best friend's dad's one year death anniversary is this tuesday and it's really been tearing her insides apart

stay strong <3

*Carly* said...

thank you, Kay, its hard, but I'm okay.