Monday, June 7, 2010

Before i lay me down to sleep, I pray thy lord my soul to keep.

i hate people. i just get back from vacation and now i need a new one. can someone help me? last night i stayed up until 4:39 AM. no, like legit. and i walked around Dennis, half crying half sleep wondering. I'm surprised i wasn't kidnapped now that i think of it.. but anyway, i was thinking about everything I'm going through. everything I've gone through in the past, and what it feels like to lose someone. i thought about all my friends, and what they've been through. i always kinda pitied myself, and its hard for me to admit that. i always wondered why no one ever asked me how i was feeling when i was walking the halls in silence, i wondered why none of my friends noticed how i left the lunch table for the bathroom after eating everyday. i wonder why they didn't notice i lost 9 pounds and stopped texting and facebooking them back weeks ago. i wondered why no body ever seemed to care. i wondered why he was the only one, in my entire life, who seemed like he really gave a shit. he wanted to help me. he did help me. and i was thankful, but i still hated myself then i noticed,
Carly. Shut the fuck up. What the fuck is wrong with you!? You have great friends and family and you're beautiful the way you are! You want desperately to eat a snickers and not cry about it! You hate girls that walk around with self pity hoping for some attention! What are you doing? Where's Carly? Dad would be so mad at you right now.
i have it so, so good. and today, my wait, shit, i don't know what to call him... boyfriend... eh.. no. ex boyfriend.. no. no. my exxasurausboyfrex, YES. came over, he looked about to cry, and i hoped he did. i hoped his heart was broken in a million little pieces, and i hugged him, and he cried on me and i cried on him, -my legs cramping from being on the very tippity top of my toes-, i imagined what he was thinking. i imagined if everyone was giving him a hard time, if he had one of the worst days ever, if he cried in the bathroom with his best friend for an hour, if every piece of his body wanted to collapse under the weight of the world and hide.. but.. that's not how he felt.. he felt scared. of losing me. and i know that. hes scared to not have me around. and I'm scared to. its been so long, I've forgotten what standing alone feels like, without him holding me up, what do i do? . EVERY ONE'S GIVING ME A HARD TIME BECAUSE HE SCREWED UP. EVERY ONES TELLING ME, I'M DOING THE WRONG THING?! How about.... hm... i will not put up with these bitches trying to "help" me anymore. Its not helping. Its hurting, and its clouding my decision. okay. wow. I'm sorry this post sucks. i just NEEDED to vent. I'm gonna sleep now.. or talk to my exxasaursboyfrex, i don't know anymore. why am i such a challenged monkey?

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