RIPPING MY HAIR OUT.

its quiet typical to write about. hating my small town. wow Carly. that's so fascinating! almost as if not every single girl in America thinks the same exact thing. kinda like, not every single girl is thinking I cant wait to get outta here every girl thinks that.

summer is slipping through my fingers now. and on to the next season, the next memory the next best friend. its so completely normal. its so. predictable.

I've always wanted to be the girl that says, marvelous and brilliant. and... astounding, out of the ordinary, boring words.

every evening i sit in my front yard. in a beautiful little metal white chair that rocks when i lean back. the golden late sun shimmers on my left side as it starts its descent into the western horizon. i read simple books or write down what i see when i close my eyes. thousands of wonderful, miraculous stories zip through my mind, and sometimes in those evenings or later at night i can hold on to one just long enough to write it down or speak it out loud so my ears can hear what my eyes see.

i want to be an artist. living in an obscure part of town in a notorious city. i want to sit on a balcony and paint and write. i want to stroll through a green park and take pictures of children on swings and lovers holding hands. of birds spying from trees and strangers smiling with their coffees in hand.

you know those seconds of relief, those sudden bursts of comfort. think of when your stomach is cramping or your head is pounding, you make some awkward move or gesture and for a split second all pain ceases. you hold your breath thinking you can make it last, but it vanishes away faster than you could catch it.

i like lying in the grass on a warm evening and i like to listen to old songs, like A Whiter Shade of Pale, and You Are So Beautiful. those love songs, movies like, The Notebook, When Harry Met Sally and Casablanca, play when Harry told Sally he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Or in Casablanca when she said, Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time. And in The Notebook when Noah says, "I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day.". Songs that come on while they dance and he tells her she looks ravishing in her red dress. with her curled hair and bright lipstick. Shes wearing that dress every girl wants to wear. wants to dance in. every girl wants to be danced with. No, no, not a standing up lap dance, sorta danced with, the held around her waist; hands on his shoulders, dance. The romantic kind of dance that makes you want to cry and say, he is so perfect for her!

i like the way your veins thicken when you hold me. Did you ever read the book, Before I Fall? I love that book. I remember the way they described Juliet Sykes. The crazy girl. They said when she pulled her long blond hair back, it reveled her big beautiful blue eyes and her hypnotizing lips. It said she was so beautiful and full of grace, it looks like she was floating, I remember when i read the part about Lindsay pouring beer on her and pushing her, the guys all laughed and circled around and continued shoving her back and forth. I remember they way i felt my neck tighten when i read the sentence saying "A gunshot rung out of the basement. Followed by a horrific scream. Juliet killed herself." I remember how that book made me cry when  Juliet killed herself the second time. Or tried too... she jumped in front of the SUV and then, Sam jumps in front of her. Pushing her out of the way, and is killed herself.

Someday you're gonna wake up, and the day will be yesterday. If you got one chance to die again. What would you do?